Summer Sky

One of my favorite things to do when I was a kid was lie on the grass in front of our house and just look at the stars. I remember dreaming, or wishing, that if I squinted hard enough I might be able to find a star that no one else had seen before. If I found a star I could name it whatever I wanted. perhaps a tiny star that was hard to see. I knew that all the stars I did see had already been "discovered" and most likely named. That didn't change the dream though, or the peace I felt when I was just looking...and dreaming....and looking.

One of my biggest disappointments came as a kid when I discovered not a star, but that I needed glasses. I was devastated that I would never be able to see the stars the same way again. I remember the first time I looked at the stars with my glasses. I thought that with glasses I might be able to see the stars better. I took off my glasses and looked. Everything was blurry. I put them on again and everything seemed so....not so clear. I was looking at everything through glass. I don't remember what things look like without glasses but I knew then that the glare and the shine were not normal. I knew then that I could never see the stars and enjoy them quite the way I had before.

I moved away from places where I could just look at the stars. I've lived in places where seeing stars at night were next to impossible because the sky was so crowded with lights from the city.
Tonight I sat on our "porch",the top step, and looked at the moon. It was beautiful. Just a sliver of light and then the outline of the rest of the moon. Then I squinted to make the sharper lines of the moon appear, and I remembered my lost love. So I sat longer, and I watched and the rest of the stars appeared, grateful I could see them, at least.

One thing I did not expect from NV was how beautiful it is at night. I could have sat outside all night long. The wind is calming, and the stillness of noise helps one to think, or not.

I sat thinking, and sometimes not. I felt something inside me want to cry, but could not, and I don't really know why. I could feel myself exhausted in a way I did not expect. Some of that came from what happened yesterday, or the day before (they run together). Somehow though, sitting and looking at stars brought me peace. I wanted to stay outside. I wanted to go lay on the grass so that my neck wouldn't hurt from hanging my head back. I wanted to go back in time to when I could see the stars and not have anything else to think about except a dream.